there’s nothing to be surprised about this big (very! unbelievable! horrible at its finest!) MIA of mine. I just simply took a trip to space, but I made it back to my beloved passions, with new purposes and tangible plans.
Last time I wrote here on thecurlyflower.com was in June 2020. I had a plan I wanted to stick to, don’t get me wrong. I just came back from a metaphysical trip that both consumed and enriched my life. In this phase of my existence I had to visit some mental spaces in order to focus on other things. Call it meditation, call it making walks while listening to podcasts or ClubHouse, but I needed to do whatever it was (and still is) useful to refresh and sharpen my goals.
Let’s start with my new place, the apartment I’ve moved in. Currently I’m based in Jersey City, NJ. At first I was pretty skeptical in moving to Jersey because in four years I got so used to the idea that NYC was the one and only place to really be in, but a part of me always wanted to explore new territories. So here I am, right now I live 20 minutes away from Manhattan. All this looks funny to me because when I used to live in Long Island or Queens the commute would be 2/3 times longer, and mind you: I was in the same State (or city, in Queens case). Crazy, no?
Apart from that, back in July my book was my biggest concern. In August, getting a job was my first priority. In September, promoting my book became my biggest priority. During the fall, healing my foot’s neuroma (yes, that too, which lasted three months) and changing jobs became my first concerns. The acne on my face. The sense of loneliness. The lack of constant support. The fear of failing. Everything was and still is a major problem to keep in mind and solve in the first place. No time for writing. It’s winter now. New jobs, new people, new schedules. I made some for writing.
During these weeks, from June to December, not all the things were bad. I collected some victories that not many people can take credit for. First of all, I published my first book. Sure, I had imagined to get a much more solid readership, more followers on my social media to boost my credibility as a writer (do we need that, though? maybe no, you know?), more feedback and collaborations with the media. But at least I did it all by myself and it is still something that is going. Due to my schedules, my civic status, my *insert literally anything you can think of*, I wasn’t able to catch all the opportunities I could. All these Nos I’ve been taking, all these people who haven’t gotten back to me, all the friends who I thought would support me, helped me to redirect my energy into spaces where I would be much more welcomed. So yes, I decided to take multiple trips to metaphysical spaces. In a pragmatic way, I started reading more books. I started shooting DMs and messages to people I had zero connections with, but the same interests to share with. I started being a loner, but much more appreciative of the small (very, extremely) group of people who would never let me down or discomfort me. I also said yes to unexpected things.
As weird as it sounds, I’ve also fallen in love with myself. These last four years have been a turmoil of emotions and back in 2019 I had made a vow to myself to never fall in love again with anyone until I’m 30 years old. It kinda didn’t happen. What am I saying, it really did not happen. But hey, I thought that my 20s in the 2020s were gonna be full of trips and adventures, not with a panasonic rolling out and loud. I wasn’t hard on myself when I decided to switch up a little. But I kept the promise’s juice: never let love make decisions for yourself or ruin your life. At this phase of my life, I’ve come to the conclusion that boys and girls will engage in a multitude of emotional and sexual connections that sometimes won’t even have real names or attachments on them. Some will be fuck buddies. Some will be girlfriends. Some will be boyfriends. Some will be toxic. Some will be naive. Some will be asexual. Some will be selfish. Some will be thirsty of it all. I didn’t know what I wanted or what was best for me, since I was feeling wrong in anything and with anyone, so became stoic. No emotions. Treating everything and everyone just like everything and everyone was treating me, like a number, like a corporate person, like a government ID. Note: this last year I had to deal a lot with the American bureaucracy and this was a huge life lesson because when you don’t have nobody next to you who’s willing to help you or listen to your concerns in your third language, you automatically become hard as a stone. Somehow this harsh approach to life, made my love life easier and less complicated. I started treating everyone around me like if I was in corporate America. You want this? I want that? Yes, no, goodbye. We don’t waste time, I don’t waste yours. Time is money. What do your bring on my table? What are your skills? Looking forward to not seeing you again. Sincerely, Giulia.
When it comes to my personal love life, there are a few people who really have changed my life. I literally can count them on one hand. All of them dumped me for one reason or another. All of them thought I was “ok”, “a good girl”, and I would ask myself what was I doing so wrong for always ending up dumped for a better life or left for someone else. Was I really that annoying? That stupid? That “too kind”? “Loved too much”? I think that this whole topic deserves a post on its own (or maybe a series?), but after four years of college I decided that with my academic graduation I was gonna take my love diploma too, which was a one-way ticket to self-love land. No turning back. I wasn’t gonna romanticize the past anymore, wasn’t gonna write to anyone back, wasn’t update anyone about my life. Because if I had done it, I would’ve always wondered the reason why I was left and other people were in their hearts. Not fair to them, not fair to me. They made their best decision, so I’ll get out. I wasn’t their best, so they won’t be my best. I decided to block all my past and take mental trips to other places, like my future plans, as an independent woman, writer, journalist, art director: whatever I wanted to be, wherever and whenever.
Even though I made this all realization and became my own love guru, boys didn’t disappear. They actually blossomed out of nowhere very quickly. So I did what a young woman who kinda has faith in love but doesn’t believe in pink love (if you know what I mean) does in a city like New York in the middle of a summer pandemic: I started dating. But I wasn’t looking for romance. It was like “Let’s get out for a walk, talk a little bit, and just be friends”. I wasn’t ready to sleep with nobody. Also, in a middle of a panoramic? Homie, I need to get you know way better, we can’t just link and do it. Oh hell no.
My hot girl summer days ended in August, when one of the guys on my roster made it to the top. He was the very last one I was considering to like. Loving someone except myself was out of the discussion. He was a Taurus too, I was really trying to stay out of men like that. We kissed. I didn’t like our first kiss that much. But we kissed again. We hung out. We skated in Prospect Park. We had smoothies in Jersey City. We watched movies, we talked about philosophy, w talked about politics, we talked and talked. We kissed once again and I said: “Maybe I should give a chance”. I’m glad I did, because I gained two new love in my life: my own and his.
This love journey of mine – still on-going – pushed me to focus and make space to other aspects of my life that I wasn’t counting to come at me in 2020 (or in 2021 too). Being in a romantic relationship and saying (and hearing) “I love you” is much more than just cuddles and kisses. It means that I need to cut time to listen to the other person, nurture our common interests, and apply new routines into your lifestyle (yes, including that short message where they check up on you or you check up on them). I never thought I would have this, not in my 20s. I never thought I could hear reassurance words and see actions that I’ve always longed to happen to me. It took me sometime to appreciate being loved and believing the kind intentions towards me, but I took the leap to allow myself to feel loved. Because it is amazing to love myself and knowing that any emotion is temporary, yet valid and important, but I also couldn’t avoid and deprive myself to receive some affection on my end. All of this made me take mental trips and think by myself, for myself, within myself.
As a non-American citizen living in America, I didn’t have the physical time to stop and look myself around in order to find my inner voice or the perfect job, opportunity, chance. All I had to do was accept the first offers, check my Visa(s), check my financial status, check my rights, check everything that was under my name and for my name. Mind you, I don’t come from a difficult situation. Everything turned out to be fine, but I’m still in a place where everything that I’d like to do, literally anything, can’t be done, yet. There are still many things about living in America as an immigrant that I don’t have the answers to and must find my one route, especially after four tough years of Trump’s administration.
I also live under a personal pressure that is engulfed in my own ambitions. I want to travel, I want to write, I want to be independent, I want to help other people. But how can I do these things when I first need to get out of my nest once and for all and build my own empire?
Another thing also that kept me away from writing and sharing my streams of counsciousness was the comparison factor, something that has always put me down and enhanced my low self-esteem. It took me time to stop comparing myself to wonderful models who (seem) to have it all together and travel all around the world. I stopped following on social media people who made me feel I wasn’t worth it, I wasn’t the one, I wasn’t good enough. I stopped watching content of people who made me feel that type of way, no matter how much I liked them. I stopped idolizing people. I stopped following the same exact steps that made famous and established journalists, editors, and art directors be where they are. Instead, I took a glimpse on their journey and habits, picked the things that most suited me and my personality, and worked al my way up from the starting point. I stopped being silent and I started being more loud. I started being more vulnerable to the public, speaking and sharing thoughts by using genera terms and topics of interest.
So yeah, this time my MIA had a valid reason to be taken. All of this took time. But now, I got time to write it all down and continue this blog. I’ve learned to be much more professional in my personal life, add the right amount of zest and creativity in my career, and balance it all out in order to serve my goals and landmarks.
I hope to get it there, wherever it is.
the curly flower