I’m aware of the difficult times I’ve been experiencing so far, but if there’s something that I’m learning is that emotions are feeling is motions, thus they evolve and change. Perhaps love is like cheese: the longer is preserved, the tastier the chunk. Or maybe like wine: the older, the richer. I don’t like to take into consideration hate, envy, selfishness, or greediness in my spectrum of feelings. They are there, they show up every morning. But they are not worthy my attention. I should live them as they are suppose to be felt and expressed, but they don’t give relief. I’m more a fan of love.
As a 22 years-old person, I feel lost. I feel found in many aspects, though. But I’m not gonna lie, I feel trapped and overwhelmed sometimes. I want relief. I believe in myself producing good vibes for myself and community. However, I’m still questioning who might my community be, where exactly do I fit in this world, and what can I do to feel and spread a sense of relief and safety in the people I love.
Yesterday I was getting my hair done and I watched a bunch of episodes of Grown-ish (season 2), the American tv-show with Yara Shahidi. While I was watching the show I felt such deep connection with the character of Zoey, who Yara interprets so well. I felt relief in watching on screen someone who has a very similar mindset like mine or a deep passion for what she does. I’m not an aspiring fashionista like Zoey, nor I have a group of friends who are in synch or stick with me all the time – that was actually one of the pilars of my American Dream. The reality is that, no matter how similar I might be to Yara/Zoey or any similar tv/book character, I don’t live on paper or on a screen: this is real life and I’m Giulia, an aspiring writer (screenwriter? journalist? both, facts) currently in Long Island, who has friends whom she loves but they are changing… and changes are scary. It’s like becoming comfortable in uncomfort-zones, but you’re still not there where you want to be with the company that you’re aspiring to be surrounded with. Sometimes I don’t feel I can talk to a Zoey, Luka, Ana, Jazz and others in Grown-ish. Let’s forget about Grown-ish, though. Let’s go back to my need to feel relieved. How wordy and complicated do I sound?
I don’t know, fam. It’s kinda like I’ve lost faith in humanity. I need to be welcomed in someone’s heart or maybe I need to be more open to other’s hearts. Since I’m in the midst of processing my feelings, – which is a practice that I’m learning to incorporate in my existence in the most efficient and economic ways as possible – besides keeping my positivity and energy up solely for myself (so that others can benefit if they happen to be willing to see that), I’m trying to live this transitional year at the best of my capabilities.
Right now I’ve got my books with me and I’m allowing myself to discover new philosophies, new set of words, new expressions, before going out and meet new people. I’ve been watching documentaries, tv-series, and movies too, but I believe that a book’s richness is the pages themselves – moving your eyes line by line and turning the pages back and forth: it’s the most interactive thing your body could be engaged in while actually learning something, anything.
Full disclosure: I’m still in the process of completing these readings, except for “Love Hurts”. I believe it is always a good ida to have multiple books that you read in the same frame time – whether is a week, month, year or decade.
But What If We We’re Wrong? by Chuck Klosterman
I’ve been reading this book since the beginning of my sophomore year, but never had the chance to finish it once and for all. This book requires a lot of thinking and it’s a great gym for your brain. Every single page constantly provides you a topic to think about. In my eyes, the author sounds everything, but preposterous – he is humble and pragmatic, in addition to be a very much pensive individual. But who doesn’t think? Everybody thinks. And who has the courage to think? Not everybody has the courage to actually do it. But if you want, this book is for you. Even if it takes time to read it, it’s worth the eyes-scrolling.
Goodbye to all that (edited) by Sari Botton
This collections of essays and short-stories about leaving and loving New York is a safe space I’m enjoying myself right now. It’s my biggest relief at the moment, which allows me to explore all the feelings and second-thoughts about the city that never sleeps and the world itself. There are lots of narratives and a single world to get to know. It’s hard to think about the next moves you might take in your life, but also so intriguing. This books is setting many thoughts of mine into motion.
Love Hurts by Lodro Rinzler
I judged this book by its cover and by the first lines. Yes, I picked this little book at Barnes & Nobles and I was very unsure if I should’ve bought it or not. Sometimes when I cannot buy a book, but I get captured by the first lines I’ve read, I make the wise decision to read the exact same book whenever I get the chance to see it in any bookstore or even that same one. I wanted to do this, but this book felt like a vast offer of friendship. So I did buy it and I do not regret such choice. I finished this book in less than a week and it was one of the few readings that perfectly touched my spirit with such a perfect timing in my existence.
The Beautiful and the Damned by Francis Scott Fitzgerald
This is a novel I’ve always wanted to read. Lately I’ve been thinking about how glamorous and luxurious New York can be and that the time that we’re actually living in one hundred years will be referred as the “…” Twenties of the second millennium. Will they be like the roaring 20s? I’ll be living my 20s in the 2020s, so how should I feel about this random thought? My overthinking mind went back to high school and figured that an old reading from an older decade might be interesting to do and reflect on. So I chose this Fitzgerald’s gem, which I feel is less known than The Great Gatsby. And yes, I’m intrigued by the title very much.
I like reading, because it gives me the chance to stay in contact with the world from wherever I am.
I like writing, because it gives me the chance to portray images that I want to share with people.
Alexa,play Things I Imagined by Solange Knowles.