It’s only March or should I say it’s already March? It’s pretty incredible how time flies, no matter how you’re feeling – happy, satisfied, relieved, or depressed. Time may seem a still burden when you have your blues, but somehow it just keeps going beyond your wishes.
So yeah, we’re in March 2019. These last six months have been a turmoil of emotional breakdowns, inner sadness, and spiritual confusion for me. Yesterday I found myself crying once again, thinking about my life. I was in the process of collecting the best memories I’ve lived so far, and suddenly I realized that most of them were shared with people who for a reason or another left me or just disappeared from my life.
During my first year of college, distant from home and family, I slowly moved on over some toxic friendships. Those people, no matter how they might have appreciated me, they were there for both a season and a reason. It’s so hard to be break up friendships, it really is. I felt alone, but I managed to enjoy my life at its fullest – taking parts of many clubs on campus, interacting with social activists, exploring New York City by myself, and learning about American culture.
Then the classic summer-Italian cliche’ happened: I met a boy and dated him. So fast, so deep, but Cupid shot his shot and I fell in love with this boy. I had to come back to the USA and discovered that I had fallen for him, but he hadn’t fallen for me like I was thinking. Four terrible months. Despite the disappointment, exactly one year ago I was feeling myself again, if not way better and in a very unexpected way. I started writing, modeling, going out in the city with more confidence, making new friends. Along the way, my heart was slowly filling itself with not one, but two other types of love: a romantic love – for such an unexpected marvelous boy – and a personal love toward myself – more than ever. Although I was starting to get tired of school and academia, I was meeting my standards, I was building a new group of friends in a new city: it all felt so fresh and rewarding. A new home. There’s no better feeling than finding your own place with fantastic people in the city you’ve always wanted to live in.
Summer was lovely, honestly and sincerely. All of my emotions were aligned. Autumn came along. Not all of my emotions were aligned due to my school worries. And the sadness came once again. This one was even harder because I really felt alone and I didn’t have any support. I was feeling trapped in a toxic system, environment, and restricted mental state of mind that made me highly depressed. I kept questioning my major, my career path, my financial independence. I was being progressively left by my favorite people, my family was far away once again. However, I thought “after four months this shall pass. Like last year, this will be the pattern. Cool. The upcoming semester will change, I will be suddenly different.” It didn’t go like that at all.
Even if I’m in another place different from my hometown, with another language and costumes, this circle occurred once again. Leave toxic stuff, being left, find new stuff about myself. But in terms of frame time, this was not like the first round. I’m here, six months later, still recovering. I just wanted to keep the last part of the cycle, finding new stuff about myself, and live my life in that way. But I guess that’s not the time yet. This fucking circle had to happen again.
This exact time last year I was already good, hustling, and being overall energetic. Right now, I’m feeling better than at any time during the last six months, but I can’t say that I’m fully recovered from what happened. I still struggle with this feeling of being left, being never enough, or that I will never find my way to get what I want – because I know what I want, but the process, man… it’s just confusing.
However, I see some really good results. After many tears and anxiety attacks, I can properly breathe and think clearly. The number of these dreadful moments has drastically gone down.
One time, a very wise philosophical boy (if he’s reading this he will smile) read one of my posts and told me: “Don’t share too much, sometimes the best things should be left unsaid. Your writing is amazing, but don’t say too much, we know you“. D, you were right. That’s why I don’t like sharing too much or name people. Sure, I could say less too, but I realized that sharing my vulnerability through words is my trademark. I don’t have to be specific, but I can be detailed and hope for the best, that my message gets read in the best way possible. People actually love me because that’s so… me.
I had three meaningful conversations yesterday, through texts and calls. One of these with my friend Alyssa, whom I see as the older sister I’ve never had. I haven’t known her for that long nor do I talk to her every single day. However, her friendship and discipline have taught me tons of life lessons. One of those was that my personality is unique, like anyone’s else should be. I shouldn’t feel rejected or an error like I would sometimes feel. At the end of the day, I was taken out of toxic environments that wouldn’t fit my standards. I was never wrong in acting with love, passion, and sincere care.
Whoever is reading this. You might be in your comfort zone or feel uncertain about your future. You may be in love or just have been dumped. I still feel sad from time to time, but time is working in my favour. Time doesn’t give a shit about you, big facts. But it works and it’s the only medicine, big facts b.
In the last couple of motnhs, I’ve been feeling open to new and rewarding experiences. Well, I got drunk once for the first time and it was horrible. Never again. Learned it. Never will I do something that everybody who’s my age does just for the sake of living my life at its fullest. Nah, not my style. I am me and you should be you.
Not gonna lie, It’s taking me a little bit longer to feel 100% fully recovered, but I know that my genuine sentiments and my heart is being coherent with my inner self. As long as I got myself, nothing really can beat me down.
I hope this cycle won’t be a routine every following year, because it wouldn’t be good at all. So since three is supposed to be a magical number, let this year and the month where I can recover and feel my best self once again. I want to be a total curly flower. So far I’ve experienced every emotion so deeply and unconditionally, in the best and worst moments. So I pray for myself to found a stable light. A light that will be present in my spirit, no matter what. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t deserve this. Nobody really deserves it. Unless you want it.
But I know what I want.
Love within myself. To be shared and to be looked up to.
I want to be a model, a role model. The person that I’ve always wanted to look up to when I was twelve years old, in my room in Florence, dreaming to be a screenwriter, with my dog, and my tea ready to be sipped in front of my house’s balcony.